QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
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Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too