Guys, I found it.
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Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?