I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
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If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
bad news gang
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
the answer was staring at me all along
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
*frowns in Scottish*
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.