If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
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The biggest mystery of our time
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia