[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
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me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.