Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
You Might Also Like
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.