Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
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My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD