BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
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[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Lmao
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Reporter: *ports again*
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I saw nothing
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.