Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
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and now we wait
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Me trying to walk in a dream
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no