hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
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Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
When you’re Kinky but poor
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
so, is there a mister shapen head