The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
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Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.