If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
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If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.