Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
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My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.