I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
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The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge: