11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
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My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this