inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
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It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
These are too funny not to post 😂