I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
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I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.