If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
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[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.