Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
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Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.