A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
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I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Human are so complicated
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band