Air pods looking like an angry frog
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*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Monday
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton