Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
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A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob