Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
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Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings