Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
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Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Saturday
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.