There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
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Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Sheep
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
They’re the worst 😩
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Nothing.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet