So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
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I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Easy enough.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade