I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
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Monday?
No. Next question.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
The photographer’s assistant
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
No, he would not have.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else