Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
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Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Before crowbars crows drank alone
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.