if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
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Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
my astrological sign is a french fry
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
same vibe as tangled headphones
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part