Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
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this chia pet tastes awful
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.