Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
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I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Tony Hawk, age 6
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
you’re so productive for your wage
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.