One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
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*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Very problematic
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you