I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
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My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Roses are red, you always mattered,
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Anyone want a chair?
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.