I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
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Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
let’s discuss