It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
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Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener