when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
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Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
School be like
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
i wish all
whales
a very
big
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Me if I was a dog
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!