Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
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People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Called it
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know