Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
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The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage