Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
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My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Message from the dog groomers
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.