*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
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Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that