A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
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Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
yeah no that’s fair
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Whoa 😂
Hello, my name is Pierre.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide