i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
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When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.