Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
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Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Somebody’s lying.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey