Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
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Me: âI poop when Iâm nervous.â
Doctor: âHow often does this occur?â
Me: âIâm extremely nervous right now.â
the best thing to throw at your spouse when youâre having a fight is a croissant cuz heâll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & thatâs just a delicious way to end a marriage . youâre welcome .
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but thereâs a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, youâre good
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies arenât liars like you & me.
Iâm not super useful until Iâve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 Iâm too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – Iâm the best employee here and theyâre lucky to have me.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
âSO WEâRE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!â
accurate
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everythingâs fine. Iâve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But theyâre wrong. It was Johnson.
âYay, outdoor soccer in the rainâ
– said no mom, ever
Iâd be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! đ
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold oâ
[7:00:03am] stop
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
âI had been told what the side effects are⌠I donât love my job that much.â
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if âwhat’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
dating apps arenât working so itâs time to look confused in a trader joeâs
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree itâs for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda