[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
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20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.