Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
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Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Trying
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies