Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
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Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.