CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
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My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket