I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
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Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
My dream job is getting paid to dream
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.