Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
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If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.